Unsent letter # 2

Someone,

You weren't a dear to me, but I always wanted to write a letter to you,
            
            someone whom I thought would be a dear to me.

Thank you.

For believing in me.
For bringing out a part of me that brings the best out of me.
I don't know if you know how much of a fearful person I am despite your image of me being strong and independent. 

Maybe you what brought you to notice me was that,
                 my strength hidden in fear and weakness.


Thank you.

For the conversations that stirred my mind.
For the dialogues and questions of mine that you entertained.
For the intellectual guidance that you freely gave to me.
For your hugs? (My memories are fading as I try to recall).


I thought that you would be a dear to me.
But no.

The last awkward hug that we had as you asked me the question that everybody always greeted me with said otherwise.

I thought that I would be a dear to you.
But no.

I was just someone.
   
                     Someone that you were curious about.

It's weird how I still think what could have happened if I stayed. 
But I'm still glad that I didn't.
Because if I did, then our friendship would be just imaginary. 

A friendship built on something that wouldn't last.


I hope that somehow, someway, I have planted a seed in your heart. 
I hope that it somehow grew and helped you in your search for the Lover of your soul.
I hope that you'll find Him too.


Thank you.
Please tell that to your person too.
He believed in me too.
I hope that both of you weren't disappointed when I left.

I'll admit that I had my regrets and frustrations with my decision. 

But I'm sorry.
My Home is somewhere else.
It's in Someone's presence.

So thank you but,

Good bye.



Sincerely,

A.N. Caelus

Unsent Letter #1

Dear,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I can't be strong for you.
I' sorry if I can't give you as much light as I can to pull you out of the darkness you are feeling.
I'm sorry if I'm too weak to carry the weight upon your heart and soul.
I'm sorry if I'm also in chaos to help you keep your life organized.
I'm sorry if I can't answer all of your questions because I also ask the same questions that you have.
I'm sorry if instead of smiling for you I also end up crying.

But don't worry.
Our Dad is there to do what we cannot do for each other.

He can be the Light in this darkness that we're in.
          He is the light.
He can carry our pain.
         Look at the cross.
He can give us peace.
         Remember how the sea became calm at His command?
He can give us answers.
         He is the answer.
He can give us joy.
         He is the only source of joy.


I know that you feel like dying even when you're living.

                     That's what I also feel every day when I wake up and when the day ends.

But,

Don't forget that He died so that we may live.

Don't ever ever forget that.
Always cling to that truth.


I know that sometimes you think that people just give you empty words and promises that will be broken at some point.


And I won't lie to you;
                         some people do.
Some.
Not all.

So please believe the best in people.
Believe that they do, deep in their heart, care and love you.

And please.

Believe in yourself too.

You're not what the lies in your mind tell you that you are.
You are loved.
Greatly loved.


Don't you dare say that you're not because you are.
Please don't forget the cross.
Please remember it as the child you would.

Don't forget to be you-- the child you.

Smile. Believe. Love.
With all your heart.

Because that's the you that I know and see.

Don't let the pressures of "adulting" take away you.

Dear?
           Go be a child.



Love,

A.N.Caelus

"I'm Here"

"Im all alone."

"No one will ever love me."

"Why did this have to have to happen to me?"

"I can never be forgiven."

Grief. Pain. Fear.

Darkness is present."




"You don't understand me. No one will ever understand what I'm feeling."

  "I'm dirty."



A chaos. A mess.
                    That's what you think you are.

Darkness creeps in.


Lost. Helpless. Numb.
      
             You wrap yourself into your own cocoon of self-pity

"I'm worthless."

Down you go in this downward spiral of thoughts and feelings.




Silence screams for help.

Darkness covers you.
Blind. Deaf. Paralyzed.

You want it to end.
You can't take it anymore.
You're living but you feel like you're dying.









Tears stream down your cheeks like a river.
Your cry for help turned into a

               "Why?"


Your emotion turned into anger.
Into frustration.
Into blame.
Towards yourself.
Towards people.
Towards God.

But,
     in the end,
                 you cried for help again.

"Shhh"
       "I'm here"

says the    Light.



"I was here all the time, my dear.
                                    Open your eyes."

It's not the end.
The Light is present. Always.
Let Him in.
Let Him embrace you.
Don't lose hope for        He is your hope.


Open your eyes and see how He cares for you.
Open your ears and hear His message of grace.
Open your heart and experience His love.


Look at the cross and know that
          
                                He died just so that you may live.

You are His beloved.

That's who you are.

You are never alone.
                       He is here. Always.